As Anna pointed out on my Substack, this resonates with what I just posted re Psalm 88. It is tempting to read Psalm 88 as dramatic, angry accusations against God. But it gives voice to true anger. At least I’m wondering about Richo’s descriptions of true anger as a lens for Psalm 88. Seems to fit pretty well.
Thank you for this post, I’m wrestling with anger towards a church that enabled pastoral spiritual abuse and have been struggling to find a way to move forward in this journey. My anger is justified but I don’t want to allow it to turn into drama. Seeing the differences laid out was very helpful. Your post is timely and this book looks like an excellent resource.
I'm so sorry for what you have endured, Beth. Chuck Degroat has a book coming out this fall that may be helpful. I believe it's called Healing What's Within.
My husband has said the church, in a very ungodly way, values immaturity. The theology that somehow knowledge of Scripture without the work of Spirit in our lives , the ,hard work of facing the truth of “me”, and looks with disdain on the curious, creates an immature and frankly. a dangerous church.
Ordering this book today as I know I have a lot of distorted thinking and beliefs.
Yes, it's curious that pastors can go through a rigorous seminary training and come out with a theological and Bible education and yet so little sanctifying work on themselves. And on top of that, little training on how to give care.
When I was 13 I asked a pastor about anger. I saw it as sinful, and wondered how it was all right for Jesus to be angry with the money changers and animal vendors in the temple courts. He opened my eyes to the concept of anger being an appropriate response to wrongdoing.
That conversation was a long time ago. Stuck with me. It’s what I do with my anger that matters. I don’t get it right all the time.
When I do clinical work with people I always know that moving from despair/disbelief/stuck in the old memories to anger means they now have an adaptive framework for rescripting the past.
That's a good discussion. I appreciate the article. I do find it hard to reconcile anger with 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 but I think I see a perspective to reconcile them from. As to the last bit, I'm reminded of Job. We're definitely going to feel things and Christianity adores rightly placed emotions - we aren't stoics - but so long as those emotions are seen as in the service of bringing us closer to God, I think we're meant to have them then give them up. Maybe treat them as a gift as you've said.
Yes, to be able to name it, without the drama attached, be curious about it, confess it, and let it go. This kind of work is transformational and is aimed towards reconciliation. A big point of the chapter is that once we face our anger in a mature way, it's impossible to hold onto it (and have it manifest in so many other ways that harm ourselves and others, and is a poor witness to God).
Beautiful article!! Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Dallas Willard, “There is nothing that can be done with anger that cannot be done better without it.”
Basically, anger is inevitable, but we don’t need to wear it as a badge of honor to rant or attract attention. Rather, we can use it as a warning gauge that it might be time to reel back and peacefully form Christlike responses.
"What if God is big enough to hold our anger with us and help us to face hard things?"
That is to say, "What if God really is the deity we teach about? What if Jesus, as portrayed in the Gospels, really is 'the image of the invisible God'?" as opposed to God's being like your nightmare assistant pastor who probably has dementia, but that doesn't make him less harmful?
The excerpts from Mr. Richo's book don't offer any productive course of action for dealing with an abuser in power. "Asks for change but allows the other to change or not" is weak tea.
There is more in the book, I shared the more diagnostic part, but there are some practical parts, the "ABC" model I showed is a beginning. I found the charts very helpful—naming is such an important step in letting it go.
Because systems are set up to concentrate power while dispersing consequences, I feel like "letting it go" just lets destructive people carry on without meaningful opposition. Does the author have anything to say about situations in which there is no acceptable outlet for even the most perfectly managed anger?
(I would read and find out myself, but the book isn't in any of my library catalogs.)
You’ve nailed it (and me!) again, and I’m squirming but nevertheless thankful. I long for maturity, but lose my way in the process and often navel gaze and look inside myself for the answers instead of recognizing I don’t have them—I need more of Christ. What a solid book, full of helps for those of us who are finally hitting the walls in our lives and learning our limitations. I want to live more in that place where I more easily come to the end of myself and find the limitlessness of the Lord who allows me to face my drama…and grow beyond it into a healthier self by his goodness and grace.
Thanks as always for your strong scholarship and tender transparency.
Once again, Fred Rogers was teaching us well, if we only listened.
https://www.misterrogers.org/videos/what-to-you-do-with-the-mad-that-you-feel/
Awesome!
As Anna pointed out on my Substack, this resonates with what I just posted re Psalm 88. It is tempting to read Psalm 88 as dramatic, angry accusations against God. But it gives voice to true anger. At least I’m wondering about Richo’s descriptions of true anger as a lens for Psalm 88. Seems to fit pretty well.
I look forward to reading it!
Thank you for this post, I’m wrestling with anger towards a church that enabled pastoral spiritual abuse and have been struggling to find a way to move forward in this journey. My anger is justified but I don’t want to allow it to turn into drama. Seeing the differences laid out was very helpful. Your post is timely and this book looks like an excellent resource.
I'm so sorry for what you have endured, Beth. Chuck Degroat has a book coming out this fall that may be helpful. I believe it's called Healing What's Within.
Thank you for the book recommendation! I’ll keep an eye out for that.
My husband has said the church, in a very ungodly way, values immaturity. The theology that somehow knowledge of Scripture without the work of Spirit in our lives , the ,hard work of facing the truth of “me”, and looks with disdain on the curious, creates an immature and frankly. a dangerous church.
Ordering this book today as I know I have a lot of distorted thinking and beliefs.
Yes, it's curious that pastors can go through a rigorous seminary training and come out with a theological and Bible education and yet so little sanctifying work on themselves. And on top of that, little training on how to give care.
When I was 13 I asked a pastor about anger. I saw it as sinful, and wondered how it was all right for Jesus to be angry with the money changers and animal vendors in the temple courts. He opened my eyes to the concept of anger being an appropriate response to wrongdoing.
That conversation was a long time ago. Stuck with me. It’s what I do with my anger that matters. I don’t get it right all the time.
Man, the impact of wise, shepherding words can go so far! This is an encouragement. Thanks for sharing, Tim!
When I do clinical work with people I always know that moving from despair/disbelief/stuck in the old memories to anger means they now have an adaptive framework for rescripting the past.
Adaptive framework is a good image for the process. Your clinical work is vital, and I’m glad people have you in their corner.
P.S. It was great to connect with you through Rachel D! She and Aimee were two of my beta readers for my novel.
Thanks! I was sad I couldn’t meet you over zoom!
That's a good discussion. I appreciate the article. I do find it hard to reconcile anger with 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 but I think I see a perspective to reconcile them from. As to the last bit, I'm reminded of Job. We're definitely going to feel things and Christianity adores rightly placed emotions - we aren't stoics - but so long as those emotions are seen as in the service of bringing us closer to God, I think we're meant to have them then give them up. Maybe treat them as a gift as you've said.
Yes, to be able to name it, without the drama attached, be curious about it, confess it, and let it go. This kind of work is transformational and is aimed towards reconciliation. A big point of the chapter is that once we face our anger in a mature way, it's impossible to hold onto it (and have it manifest in so many other ways that harm ourselves and others, and is a poor witness to God).
Definitely. That sounds healthy and scriptural
Beautiful article!! Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Dallas Willard, “There is nothing that can be done with anger that cannot be done better without it.”
Basically, anger is inevitable, but we don’t need to wear it as a badge of honor to rant or attract attention. Rather, we can use it as a warning gauge that it might be time to reel back and peacefully form Christlike responses.
Thanks so much for this :)
Yes, I like the distinction Richo makes between the emotion of anger and the drama that we attach to it and of how we express it.
Always love a Willard quote!
"What if God is big enough to hold our anger with us and help us to face hard things?"
That is to say, "What if God really is the deity we teach about? What if Jesus, as portrayed in the Gospels, really is 'the image of the invisible God'?" as opposed to God's being like your nightmare assistant pastor who probably has dementia, but that doesn't make him less harmful?
The excerpts from Mr. Richo's book don't offer any productive course of action for dealing with an abuser in power. "Asks for change but allows the other to change or not" is weak tea.
Yes, what if we stop trying to manage God?
There is more in the book, I shared the more diagnostic part, but there are some practical parts, the "ABC" model I showed is a beginning. I found the charts very helpful—naming is such an important step in letting it go.
Because systems are set up to concentrate power while dispersing consequences, I feel like "letting it go" just lets destructive people carry on without meaningful opposition. Does the author have anything to say about situations in which there is no acceptable outlet for even the most perfectly managed anger?
(I would read and find out myself, but the book isn't in any of my library catalogs.)
Another great book on this topic is Unoffendable by Brant Hansen.
Thanks for the recommendation!
You’ve nailed it (and me!) again, and I’m squirming but nevertheless thankful. I long for maturity, but lose my way in the process and often navel gaze and look inside myself for the answers instead of recognizing I don’t have them—I need more of Christ. What a solid book, full of helps for those of us who are finally hitting the walls in our lives and learning our limitations. I want to live more in that place where I more easily come to the end of myself and find the limitlessness of the Lord who allows me to face my drama…and grow beyond it into a healthier self by his goodness and grace.
Thanks as always for your strong scholarship and tender transparency.
Squirming but thankful is relatable!
Timely for me!!