“Professional relationships are not friendships.” I read this from Scot McKnight’s Substack last week. It’s a quote from a book called Wounded Pastors: Navigating Burnout, Finding Healing, and Discerning the Future of Your Ministry, by Carol Howard and James Fenimore. The article is thoughtful, and the book looks to be a needed resource. And yet this quote, and why it is written, disturbs me. McKnight is interacting with the first chapter of the book which is on pastors and friendships. And a lot of what he is saying, I get. It is a case for pastors’ need for friendships and one against building friendships with congregants. Pastors can become isolated. Friendship is so important. And there are some good arguments for the latter point:
I wonder how much of this attitude comes from our current business model of church? (Which by the way, causes all kinds of problems of its own.) The early church wasn’t a corporation with a CEO and professionalism. It was a group of believers doing life together. It’s morphed into something altogether different.
I’ve been mulling over Wade Burleson’s little book, Fraudulent Authority, since I read it last year. He makes a lot of excellent points. He might not be right about everything, but he is thought-provoking. With all of the folks fleeing churches due to hurt, I can’t help but think we are going to have to use a different approach to reach those folks and help them heal. How much of that healing is from the negative side effects of institutional church? I’ve often wondered what it would look like to assemble the way the early church did. The New Testament makes it sound like those early gatherings were far more participatory with lots of opportunities for folks to use their gifts to build up the Body…and everything wasn’t scripted beforehand. It sounds more like a small group meeting to my mind.
Have you read anything good on early church assemblies? Have you read Wade’s book?
My husband is a pastor and we have chosen to have close friends in our church. That said, there is a complexity to those relationships because he is a pastor and a carefulness we have too. My husband will always be their pastor as well as their friend, and that does matter. Just like we would find that a pastor who sleeps with a congregant, because of the power structure, to be abusing his power, so in a pastor’s healthy relationships, he also has to be aware of that unevenness in their relationship.
We like to use the term “dual relationships” to explain that tension. Our friendships are very real, but also his role as a pastor is very real too. Outside relationships don’t have the same dual relationships and therefore are more simple.
We’ve seen a lot of hurt and pain for both pastors and congregants when these dual relationships weren’t navigated well. I would argue that Paul had deep and very real relationships to those he served and served with and that is clear. I would also say that he didn’t forget his calling to those same people as he navigated his relationships.
I deeply appreciate this. A lot of depth and insight here. It gets into the power dynamics in our current world where the pastor is considered to be on the same level as professional identity as a therapist or psychologist. I deeply appreciate and respect your term "dual relationships" to explain that tension. Are you as his wife, included in that "dual relationship?" Unlike the power differentials that is found within a therapist closed door room, the pastor's wife as a committed congregant is in the same community where the pastor (the one with the most power in the room according to the professional paradigm) is ministering and exercising that power. It's the best friends model of modern marriage that would suggest you hold a different place in your husband's affection and respect, a very different mutual presence, than the "dual relationship" model conveys.
I think this is such an odd and unfortunate dichotomy. We have church, which is fundamentally relational. It’s family and being “one another” to one another. Then we have pastors, who for a ton of reasons can’t be in those forms of relationships. They are different in a way that is hard to overcome. I think you’re right to feel ick about that. Having not read the book you mentioned or McKnight’s post, the complexities are apparent in many churches in many places.
Pastors, quite regrettably, can’t be sisters or brothers like the rest of us, because, let’s face it, they’re not. Differences in power (and often sanctioned authority), salaried-payment for using their gifts, elevation of certain calls, titles, and professionalisation of ministry are just a few of the reasons they are unlike the rest of the body. You listed a lot of reasons why this makes friendship hard.
But pastors deserve to be part of the family of God. And their “otherness” in the system is as much a detriment to them as it is to those from whom they are relationally alienated. I wonder, is all that makes pastors and what they do different and unable to be family (which is the call of the NT church and way more difficult than friendship!) necessary. Can we reimagine church in a way that doesn’t separate and stratify siblings in Christ? Are these unavoidable realities?
Yes, these are the very questions I am pondering, Matt. Thank you for articulating them so well. It really is a detriment to pastors to be relationally alienated from the family of God in which they serve (but in a sense do not get to experience belonging). And I do think we desperately need a reimagining.
You are naming here something I feel deeply. As someone wrapping up an MDiv this May (at age 40—after a 6-year process juggling a full-time parachurch ministry role and family life with four daughters), it's hard for people to understand why I do not want to be a pastor...and sometimes hard for me to remember why I pursued the degree in the first place. But it seems as if the institutional model, with power and authority and money and property, wrapped up into the pastoral office is something beyond what we are designed to bear as humans.
Jesus could call his disciples "friends" in John 15 (and, yes, I'm aware of the nuances of Greco-Roman concepts of friendship vs. modern Western friendship, but it stands out in the text), addresses crowds with the term, and even calls Judas "friend" in Matt. 26. Paul's sermons, letters, and greetings are liberally filled with "friend" language, too (notably in Rom. 16). If the life and ministry of Paul and Jesus is not accessible to contemporary pastors because of power dynamics and institutional politics (size of orgs lending itself to less and less transparency in leadership), we've gone off the rails.
In my circles we say, “can I put on my professional hat in this instance” when we want to provide something to a relationship from our roles outside the bonds of just friendship. Pastors, counselors, mayors, members of Congress, judges, even celebrities are all at the end of the day human and have to be able to take those other hats off and be themselves. Maybe that’s why we used to have uniforms. When you dress as a priest you fill that role. When you are in jeans you are as friend worthy as they come. It’s the people who want to be seen always in the role no matter what context they are in that worry me. Leaders who insist on a T shirt and jeans at a formal pastors conference threaten to blur the lines between who they are and what role they perform.
I think it's one thing among peers and another among constituents. Do you expect to be treated as a judge when you are pumping gas or as a normal citizen?
Yes. So many good thoughts here, Aimee. I think one of the things that has perpetuated this idea is the prevalence of mega-churches and the influence those pastors in particular have over other pastors who may shepherd smaller communities. I have a lot of thoughts about mega-churches in general, but even more thoughts about the ways those leaders are training other leaders to act like them even though they're in completely different contexts.
Aimee, I had the same reaction to that post. It seems to begin with the assumption that congregants are dangerous. Hey, having been harmed as a congregant, I could assume all pastors are dangerous. Yes, it would be easy for me to distance myself to protect myself. But I feel as if God wants me to fight that inclination. I fight to be vulnerable again, to love deeply from the heart, as we are all commanded to do, though I know what it feels like when the rod reserved for the enemies of God falls on the sheep. I believe God calls me to fight to love, and yet pastors are not to do the same thing? The article you reference assumes an "us/them" dichotomy from the beginning. Those appear to me marks of pride or fear, not humility and love. Pastors are to lead by example, to draw their people heavenward by the display of the Holy Spirit's power in their own lives as they are daily transformed. When pastors distance themselves to protect themselves, would it not result in no one being able to see the changes God is working in them? Where is faith in "professional distance?" As you say, is this what Christ modeled? Was not the opposite displayed (Mark 3)? I actually think that there are many pastors who live with great fear. They can manage life with their families and their books. They attend regional meetings twice a year and their national meetings once a year. To me, a pastor is called to be more, not least to offer friendship to his people, his neighbors.
I've spent the last nine years digging to the bottom of a similar well. Friendship is such a low bar for the unity we are supposed to have in Christ; as one with one another and God as God is one with Himself. There are many things including our polity and practices that deny people their spiritual rights in Christ and therefore, deny healthy relationships and access to the whole body of Christ. If there is a way to put all of that into a single grieving sentence, I haven't found it yet.
We have this very odd idea that distance from others and their interests creates objectivity and stable decision making, but I think it may actually be the opposite. Closeness creates contextualized decisions that make sense for actual life and lives. The "pastors need to be distant" thing reminds me of how many sermons I've sat in that don't relate to my life, my city, or my co-congregants, and are always aimed at vaguities instead of our actual context and needs. And honestly, I think it is easier to manipulate people you don't know well than it is to abuse people you count as true, valued friends.
Great point!! The more we know about the life and contexts of people the more nuanced and constructive we can deal with issues as long as we don’t become too dependent on people’s approval while still being close to them:)
I read the same article for Scott McKnight and had the same feeling as you. Thank you for articulating. As a pastor, I have felt this relational disconnect with a lot of people in my churches through the years. Personally, I connect with some of my congregants on a true friendship level. That is why I feel the pain I do when they are capable of flippantly leaving for another church. It hurts people - not just me. It's because, to me, they are real friends. To them, I am not. This is the flip side of your discussion about utility friendships. For many Christians, they expect/want nothing more from church than utility friendships and biblical education. Someone told me just recently, "They're confused (when people are hurt by their leaving). They don't know what the issue is. They think it is just changing who they are getting educated by." That speaks to what I heard John Mark Comer say recently when discussing evangelical discipleship models. "Evangelicalism is built on the assumption that as a person's knowledge of the bible increases, their spiritual maturity will increase along with it." With this version of a Christian worldview, community, which is harder than education, is kept at arm's length. (Based on what I've said, I apparently believe that proper Christian community will yield deep connections and friendships.)
Question from a congregant re: your statement that, "It hurts people - not just me. It's because, to me, they are real friends. To them, I am not." Are you suggesting that no "real" friend would leave the church of which you are pastor? Or that their reasons for doing so must be trite and superficial? If so, I'd ask you to reconsider.
While it is true that some people change churches "flippantly," that is not often the case in my experience. It is more likely that members who view you as a friend would stay beyond the time that they should, or would hesitate to honestly communicate their reasons for leaving (due to concern over hurting or discouraging you). There are legitimate reasons for leaving a church --- doctrine, ministry priorities, significant disagreement with decisions of leadership. Personal relationships don't negate those issues. I speak from experience when I say that plenty of church members AGONIZE over leaving and may stay far longer than is healthy or prudent because of friendships.
All true. And I have felt people going through that. I guess the ones I am looking at are the ones who make the statement that they are confused about why someone would make such a big deal about it, since they're just choosing a different educator. However, your point is spot on.
Thank you, Aimee. As a retired pastor who served in one church for a little over 33 years, I know both the longing for deep congregational friendships and the pitfalls of such friendships. The power dynamics do not just flow one way (from pastor to church members). There were numerous times when seeking to be vulnerable i was burned instead. A pastor is not just dependent upon the Lord. She/he is also uniquely dependent upon each church member and leader. Added to this is the thought that many church members are not necessarily interested in the level of friendship we all deeply long for, yet find so illusive to cultivate. I tried to give my heart to each person until i was able to discern that this or that person could not handle my heart well. There were numerous messy moments, some that I caused and some caused by others, all of which is to say that any and every pastor and congregation must cast themselves on the grace of God, always
I have few answers, but this post and Scot’s post outline many of the reasons I regularly feel relationally isolated. I know it isn’t healthy, but I don’t know that I have a way forward that’s as simple as some may believe.
I do think it's going to take purposeful conversation, reexamination, and growth of the whole church on some multiple concepts such as sacred siblingship, friendship, power, and ecclesiology. But I also believe it is desperately needed for both laypeople and leaders, especially in the hostile climate the church is in.
I agree with the direction of your article. I don't see anywhere in Scripture where the recognition of a pastor gift is a "professional position" in the first place. From the time I was saved from my sin and restored to my Father, one of my first instructions from the olders was to use God's Word as my plumb line and measure everything I hear by it. Examining the conventional churches and comparing them with what is written has always left my husband and me scratching our heads. The whole system is rotten. Knowledge can be painful. I'm comforted seeing His people waking up to it, however.
Just calling the members "congregants" reveals a sub-Biblical understanding of the church. Congregants are people who gather, like audience members. Members are part of a body.
As a pastor, I’ve pondered this very question many times. I’ve discussed it with other pastors (and I’m a former TA of Scot McKnight’s and I’m familiar with his definition of friendship and his thoughts on pastor’s relationships with their congregants).
I think some of the confusion is rooted in the depth of Scot’s understanding of friendship. Friendship (according to Scot—who is gleaning from Aristotle) requires a deep mutuality, the kind a pastor cannot have with a congregant precisely because of the power deferential. This is for the protection of both sides. This does not mean that the relationship a pastor has with a congregant is merely utilitarian.
Pastoring requires a unique kind of relationship with a congregation. It is both highly intimate and relationally removed. We are keepers of the stories and histories of our people. We are teachers, advocates, nurturers, and occasionally we are responsible for accountability and discipline. It’s similar to parenting in many regards.
I love my congregants. I care deeply for them. But it would be unwise and unloving for me to rely on them exclusively for my relational needs (think about parenting here). I need to have other sources of care and connection outside of my church so I can be fully invested as a pastor to my congregation.
Yes, I would love for a lot more conversation to be had on what friendship is, and the different types. This is an area I think laypeople and leaders long to grow in and can be a root of so many conflicts.
I need to think more about the parenting metaphor. That was easier for me to accept when I was a younger adult, but as an older believer, I can see where there is more mutuality here. It can also feel a bit infantilizing.
I wonder how much of this attitude comes from our current business model of church? (Which by the way, causes all kinds of problems of its own.) The early church wasn’t a corporation with a CEO and professionalism. It was a group of believers doing life together. It’s morphed into something altogether different.
Yes, how recognizable is our ecclesiology and the way we do church now?
Recognizable to the early church? I’m not sure it would be. 😭 We are a strange mix of legalism/moralism and secular business practices.
But there are people who are waking up, so I see God’s Grace even here and feel a twinge of hope.
This…1000%!
I’ve been mulling over Wade Burleson’s little book, Fraudulent Authority, since I read it last year. He makes a lot of excellent points. He might not be right about everything, but he is thought-provoking. With all of the folks fleeing churches due to hurt, I can’t help but think we are going to have to use a different approach to reach those folks and help them heal. How much of that healing is from the negative side effects of institutional church? I’ve often wondered what it would look like to assemble the way the early church did. The New Testament makes it sound like those early gatherings were far more participatory with lots of opportunities for folks to use their gifts to build up the Body…and everything wasn’t scripted beforehand. It sounds more like a small group meeting to my mind.
Have you read anything good on early church assemblies? Have you read Wade’s book?
Another one to put on the list!
My husband is a pastor and we have chosen to have close friends in our church. That said, there is a complexity to those relationships because he is a pastor and a carefulness we have too. My husband will always be their pastor as well as their friend, and that does matter. Just like we would find that a pastor who sleeps with a congregant, because of the power structure, to be abusing his power, so in a pastor’s healthy relationships, he also has to be aware of that unevenness in their relationship.
We like to use the term “dual relationships” to explain that tension. Our friendships are very real, but also his role as a pastor is very real too. Outside relationships don’t have the same dual relationships and therefore are more simple.
We’ve seen a lot of hurt and pain for both pastors and congregants when these dual relationships weren’t navigated well. I would argue that Paul had deep and very real relationships to those he served and served with and that is clear. I would also say that he didn’t forget his calling to those same people as he navigated his relationships.
Yes, dual relationships challenge us to maturity which is a good thing.
I deeply appreciate this. A lot of depth and insight here. It gets into the power dynamics in our current world where the pastor is considered to be on the same level as professional identity as a therapist or psychologist. I deeply appreciate and respect your term "dual relationships" to explain that tension. Are you as his wife, included in that "dual relationship?" Unlike the power differentials that is found within a therapist closed door room, the pastor's wife as a committed congregant is in the same community where the pastor (the one with the most power in the room according to the professional paradigm) is ministering and exercising that power. It's the best friends model of modern marriage that would suggest you hold a different place in your husband's affection and respect, a very different mutual presence, than the "dual relationship" model conveys.
I think this is such an odd and unfortunate dichotomy. We have church, which is fundamentally relational. It’s family and being “one another” to one another. Then we have pastors, who for a ton of reasons can’t be in those forms of relationships. They are different in a way that is hard to overcome. I think you’re right to feel ick about that. Having not read the book you mentioned or McKnight’s post, the complexities are apparent in many churches in many places.
Pastors, quite regrettably, can’t be sisters or brothers like the rest of us, because, let’s face it, they’re not. Differences in power (and often sanctioned authority), salaried-payment for using their gifts, elevation of certain calls, titles, and professionalisation of ministry are just a few of the reasons they are unlike the rest of the body. You listed a lot of reasons why this makes friendship hard.
But pastors deserve to be part of the family of God. And their “otherness” in the system is as much a detriment to them as it is to those from whom they are relationally alienated. I wonder, is all that makes pastors and what they do different and unable to be family (which is the call of the NT church and way more difficult than friendship!) necessary. Can we reimagine church in a way that doesn’t separate and stratify siblings in Christ? Are these unavoidable realities?
Yes, these are the very questions I am pondering, Matt. Thank you for articulating them so well. It really is a detriment to pastors to be relationally alienated from the family of God in which they serve (but in a sense do not get to experience belonging). And I do think we desperately need a reimagining.
You are naming here something I feel deeply. As someone wrapping up an MDiv this May (at age 40—after a 6-year process juggling a full-time parachurch ministry role and family life with four daughters), it's hard for people to understand why I do not want to be a pastor...and sometimes hard for me to remember why I pursued the degree in the first place. But it seems as if the institutional model, with power and authority and money and property, wrapped up into the pastoral office is something beyond what we are designed to bear as humans.
Jesus could call his disciples "friends" in John 15 (and, yes, I'm aware of the nuances of Greco-Roman concepts of friendship vs. modern Western friendship, but it stands out in the text), addresses crowds with the term, and even calls Judas "friend" in Matt. 26. Paul's sermons, letters, and greetings are liberally filled with "friend" language, too (notably in Rom. 16). If the life and ministry of Paul and Jesus is not accessible to contemporary pastors because of power dynamics and institutional politics (size of orgs lending itself to less and less transparency in leadership), we've gone off the rails.
Thank you for highlighting this.
Yes indeed. Pastor is a gift, not an office. The offices are plural, not singular. The CEO model with a solitary leader is messed up.
—most of all for the lone leader. Here is another example of how.
Helpful distinction, here.
In my circles we say, “can I put on my professional hat in this instance” when we want to provide something to a relationship from our roles outside the bonds of just friendship. Pastors, counselors, mayors, members of Congress, judges, even celebrities are all at the end of the day human and have to be able to take those other hats off and be themselves. Maybe that’s why we used to have uniforms. When you dress as a priest you fill that role. When you are in jeans you are as friend worthy as they come. It’s the people who want to be seen always in the role no matter what context they are in that worry me. Leaders who insist on a T shirt and jeans at a formal pastors conference threaten to blur the lines between who they are and what role they perform.
I wear a T shirt and jeans at judges conferences.
I think it's one thing among peers and another among constituents. Do you expect to be treated as a judge when you are pumping gas or as a normal citizen?
You said professional conference, and that’s the context for my comment.
Yes. So many good thoughts here, Aimee. I think one of the things that has perpetuated this idea is the prevalence of mega-churches and the influence those pastors in particular have over other pastors who may shepherd smaller communities. I have a lot of thoughts about mega-churches in general, but even more thoughts about the ways those leaders are training other leaders to act like them even though they're in completely different contexts.
Yes, there's probably a lot of influence from the mega-model on contemporary church relationships.
Aimee, I had the same reaction to that post. It seems to begin with the assumption that congregants are dangerous. Hey, having been harmed as a congregant, I could assume all pastors are dangerous. Yes, it would be easy for me to distance myself to protect myself. But I feel as if God wants me to fight that inclination. I fight to be vulnerable again, to love deeply from the heart, as we are all commanded to do, though I know what it feels like when the rod reserved for the enemies of God falls on the sheep. I believe God calls me to fight to love, and yet pastors are not to do the same thing? The article you reference assumes an "us/them" dichotomy from the beginning. Those appear to me marks of pride or fear, not humility and love. Pastors are to lead by example, to draw their people heavenward by the display of the Holy Spirit's power in their own lives as they are daily transformed. When pastors distance themselves to protect themselves, would it not result in no one being able to see the changes God is working in them? Where is faith in "professional distance?" As you say, is this what Christ modeled? Was not the opposite displayed (Mark 3)? I actually think that there are many pastors who live with great fear. They can manage life with their families and their books. They attend regional meetings twice a year and their national meetings once a year. To me, a pastor is called to be more, not least to offer friendship to his people, his neighbors.
Yes! We need to keep working on our own ability to be vulnerable, is the pastor not called to be the first to do this?
I've spent the last nine years digging to the bottom of a similar well. Friendship is such a low bar for the unity we are supposed to have in Christ; as one with one another and God as God is one with Himself. There are many things including our polity and practices that deny people their spiritual rights in Christ and therefore, deny healthy relationships and access to the whole body of Christ. If there is a way to put all of that into a single grieving sentence, I haven't found it yet.
"Friendship is such a low bar for the unity we are supposed to have in Christ." This really hits.
We have this very odd idea that distance from others and their interests creates objectivity and stable decision making, but I think it may actually be the opposite. Closeness creates contextualized decisions that make sense for actual life and lives. The "pastors need to be distant" thing reminds me of how many sermons I've sat in that don't relate to my life, my city, or my co-congregants, and are always aimed at vaguities instead of our actual context and needs. And honestly, I think it is easier to manipulate people you don't know well than it is to abuse people you count as true, valued friends.
This is a great point - distance doesn’t create objectivity, but only emotional disconnection. I’ll be thinking about this … !
Great point!! The more we know about the life and contexts of people the more nuanced and constructive we can deal with issues as long as we don’t become too dependent on people’s approval while still being close to them:)
I read the same article for Scott McKnight and had the same feeling as you. Thank you for articulating. As a pastor, I have felt this relational disconnect with a lot of people in my churches through the years. Personally, I connect with some of my congregants on a true friendship level. That is why I feel the pain I do when they are capable of flippantly leaving for another church. It hurts people - not just me. It's because, to me, they are real friends. To them, I am not. This is the flip side of your discussion about utility friendships. For many Christians, they expect/want nothing more from church than utility friendships and biblical education. Someone told me just recently, "They're confused (when people are hurt by their leaving). They don't know what the issue is. They think it is just changing who they are getting educated by." That speaks to what I heard John Mark Comer say recently when discussing evangelical discipleship models. "Evangelicalism is built on the assumption that as a person's knowledge of the bible increases, their spiritual maturity will increase along with it." With this version of a Christian worldview, community, which is harder than education, is kept at arm's length. (Based on what I've said, I apparently believe that proper Christian community will yield deep connections and friendships.)
Question from a congregant re: your statement that, "It hurts people - not just me. It's because, to me, they are real friends. To them, I am not." Are you suggesting that no "real" friend would leave the church of which you are pastor? Or that their reasons for doing so must be trite and superficial? If so, I'd ask you to reconsider.
While it is true that some people change churches "flippantly," that is not often the case in my experience. It is more likely that members who view you as a friend would stay beyond the time that they should, or would hesitate to honestly communicate their reasons for leaving (due to concern over hurting or discouraging you). There are legitimate reasons for leaving a church --- doctrine, ministry priorities, significant disagreement with decisions of leadership. Personal relationships don't negate those issues. I speak from experience when I say that plenty of church members AGONIZE over leaving and may stay far longer than is healthy or prudent because of friendships.
All true. And I have felt people going through that. I guess the ones I am looking at are the ones who make the statement that they are confused about why someone would make such a big deal about it, since they're just choosing a different educator. However, your point is spot on.
Thank you, Aimee. As a retired pastor who served in one church for a little over 33 years, I know both the longing for deep congregational friendships and the pitfalls of such friendships. The power dynamics do not just flow one way (from pastor to church members). There were numerous times when seeking to be vulnerable i was burned instead. A pastor is not just dependent upon the Lord. She/he is also uniquely dependent upon each church member and leader. Added to this is the thought that many church members are not necessarily interested in the level of friendship we all deeply long for, yet find so illusive to cultivate. I tried to give my heart to each person until i was able to discern that this or that person could not handle my heart well. There were numerous messy moments, some that I caused and some caused by others, all of which is to say that any and every pastor and congregation must cast themselves on the grace of God, always
thank you for sharing this, David.
I have few answers, but this post and Scot’s post outline many of the reasons I regularly feel relationally isolated. I know it isn’t healthy, but I don’t know that I have a way forward that’s as simple as some may believe.
I do think it's going to take purposeful conversation, reexamination, and growth of the whole church on some multiple concepts such as sacred siblingship, friendship, power, and ecclesiology. But I also believe it is desperately needed for both laypeople and leaders, especially in the hostile climate the church is in.
I agree with the direction of your article. I don't see anywhere in Scripture where the recognition of a pastor gift is a "professional position" in the first place. From the time I was saved from my sin and restored to my Father, one of my first instructions from the olders was to use God's Word as my plumb line and measure everything I hear by it. Examining the conventional churches and comparing them with what is written has always left my husband and me scratching our heads. The whole system is rotten. Knowledge can be painful. I'm comforted seeing His people waking up to it, however.
Just calling the members "congregants" reveals a sub-Biblical understanding of the church. Congregants are people who gather, like audience members. Members are part of a body.
As a pastor, I’ve pondered this very question many times. I’ve discussed it with other pastors (and I’m a former TA of Scot McKnight’s and I’m familiar with his definition of friendship and his thoughts on pastor’s relationships with their congregants).
I think some of the confusion is rooted in the depth of Scot’s understanding of friendship. Friendship (according to Scot—who is gleaning from Aristotle) requires a deep mutuality, the kind a pastor cannot have with a congregant precisely because of the power deferential. This is for the protection of both sides. This does not mean that the relationship a pastor has with a congregant is merely utilitarian.
Pastoring requires a unique kind of relationship with a congregation. It is both highly intimate and relationally removed. We are keepers of the stories and histories of our people. We are teachers, advocates, nurturers, and occasionally we are responsible for accountability and discipline. It’s similar to parenting in many regards.
I love my congregants. I care deeply for them. But it would be unwise and unloving for me to rely on them exclusively for my relational needs (think about parenting here). I need to have other sources of care and connection outside of my church so I can be fully invested as a pastor to my congregation.
Yes, I would love for a lot more conversation to be had on what friendship is, and the different types. This is an area I think laypeople and leaders long to grow in and can be a root of so many conflicts.
I need to think more about the parenting metaphor. That was easier for me to accept when I was a younger adult, but as an older believer, I can see where there is more mutuality here. It can also feel a bit infantilizing.