Amy, thank you for writing this. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old son. Your post has inspired me to be attentive and do my best to prevent this from happening to them. Your family is so blessed to have you, and so are all the women and men your work has reached. We continue to pray for those who call themselves Christians but do not have love.
I’m on vacation in Iceland, 4 hours ahead. I opened my email just now to see your title this week and was struck by how well this pairs with the Dispatch pod my husband and I listened to yesterday while driving around this beautiful island - “Donald Trump’s Soul.” So much in it is so disturbing when you take a step back and wonder at how he could possibly be viewed as the epitome of masculinity. It’s an utterly anemic and perplexingly bankrupt view of an entire gender. What is wrong with “masculinity” when an individual who is incapable of introspection or being at all curious about himself for 78 years on this planet is considered a model of what it is to be male? The woman speaking has interviewed Trump numerous times. She realized in her last interview that she was infinitely more curious about his inner life than he has ever been. His inner life simply doesn’t exist. She called him animalistic in that way. And compared him to a puddle. He might be mildly interesting to look at for a moment, but, like a puddle, there simply isn’t much there due to his being only an inch or two deep. And this is the man some men, some evangelical men?!, are looking to as an example? Thankfully, my husband, an introspective man himself, doesn’t understand it anymore than I do. It’s an interesting listen. I look forward to reading your whole article today.
Yes, this is a glaring example of when we neglect our inner life, we are at risk of following a charismatic figure that may lead them over a cliff! I too am so thankful for the men in my family and friendships who do that important and rewarding work.
I'm coming up on 250 sessions with my therapist. As someone who leads an outdoor, prachurch men's Bible study, it's wild to me how little men access this resource—and others like it: guided soulwork retreats, nonfiction books, group counseling, etc. The insecurities that lead to so many frail egos present themselves in despicable ways, and it saddens me that you and your son absorbed those malignant projectiles.
Back in college I was in training for being an RA in the dorms. One session the instructor had us move to different sides of the room based on preferences: dog people to the left and cat lovers to the right, pizza on the left and burgers on the right, etc. The final call? If you could change to the opposite sex (typical 80s nomenclature although it’s not how I would phrase it now) for six months, would you do it? I was the only one on the yes side of the room. All the other young women and men said no.
Here’s the deal. First, I knew it was just a thought exercise. Second, why not take the opportunity to experience the impossible?
The people who push the concept of manhood don’t understand personhood, and it leads to toxic lives such as you’ve described: shutting down, emotionally stunted development, “success” that leads to the pits of depression, ruin, and hell.
Spiritually there is no male or female. Paul was clear on that. I think this is a matter of the soul as well. The things that make for a healthy and whole person are the same for women and for men. Now, the ones who piled on your family won’t agree with that. They insist the Bible says men are in charge and women should stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches (I’m not parodizing their position) and that I’m a child of Satan. (Again, just summarizing what they’ve said about me.)
The reality is that women and men come in all types, and none of those types are an indication of someone’s manhood or womanhood. The attacks on you are examples of the implicit and explicit bias that I’m daily charged with addressing and encouraging people to overcome.
In the words of a wise philosopher: “People are people, so why should it be? You and I should get along so awfully.” (Depeche Mode.) I think the answer is that to some people other people aren’t worth seeing as real people. Sexism, racism, classism, and more are all based on a fundamental belief in inequality as a virtue.
"The things that make for a healthy and whole person are the same for women and for men."
Very true. Even as actors in the world, there are no moral distinctions between women and men. What qualities would be virtuous in a man, but not virtuous in a woman? What qualities would be virtuous in a woman, but not virtuous in a man? None.
This is so good. Yes. I’ve thought around this topic for a while now and you put it into words in a way that helped it resound like “TOTALLY.” The state of the soul. It’s real. And it wreaks havoc when not acknowledged or addressed.
I’m so sorry that happened to your son and fam. Such despicable behavior, but I love that you observed and engaged it on the deeper level(s) of what actually might be happening underneath. Sucks but it’s true.
I've been thinking about how we sometimes ask or get asked how our spiritual lives are. That is such a vague question, but it sounds holy. I wonder if we ask some more specific questions like the ones I shared from Hollis would help us help one another better.
Aimee, I’m not sure where to start. This is the first piece of yours I’ve ever read after stumbling across this post shared by Chuck DeGroat on Facebook. I had to come here and read the rest.
There are so many deep truths in here I could underline. So many themes that I see daily in my office with men. I’m grateful for this piece and I’m sad about the wounded little boys in grown men bodies who shamed your family. I’m angry and tired at how that type of hypermasculinity is still so present in the church.
I’m also grateful for all the men out there who are working to change the narrative. And I don’t just mean men in the fields of psychology and theology, but more so the men outside of those fields. The men who are doing the work because they know their soul needs it and their families souls need it.
1) I don’t share pictures of my family publicly over Social Media (“friends only”).
2) I also regret raising my kids in a church culture where the most important things were that you are against abortion & evolution, had a “beam me up, Jesus” bumper sticker on your car, and forced your kids to listen to DC Talk!
I’m so sorry your post about your son brought out the worst in people. That says more about them than you or your son; obviously. I imagine most of the negative hateful comments were from men? At any rate, thank YOU for sharing this important piece. As a fairly self aware and emotionally intelligent man who also battles a tough inner critic, I have to fight daily to care for my soul and tend to my “inner kingdom.” And as a single widower dad of 3 girls (6, 14, 16), I have to fight especially hard to remain present, patient, kind, and understanding with myself and my daughters. Men today need hits as much as they need hugs; and a loving balance of both kindness and candor could go a long way.
How can you help men come alive? Every man fears the death of being considered incompetent. Every man. In some way, in some category of masculine skill. One thing that will touch a man’s soul is a word of appreciation.
Amy, thank you for writing this. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old son. Your post has inspired me to be attentive and do my best to prevent this from happening to them. Your family is so blessed to have you, and so are all the women and men your work has reached. We continue to pray for those who call themselves Christians but do not have love.
Yes, our sons need encouragement in a world (and church) that shames some of their most precious qualities.
I’m on vacation in Iceland, 4 hours ahead. I opened my email just now to see your title this week and was struck by how well this pairs with the Dispatch pod my husband and I listened to yesterday while driving around this beautiful island - “Donald Trump’s Soul.” So much in it is so disturbing when you take a step back and wonder at how he could possibly be viewed as the epitome of masculinity. It’s an utterly anemic and perplexingly bankrupt view of an entire gender. What is wrong with “masculinity” when an individual who is incapable of introspection or being at all curious about himself for 78 years on this planet is considered a model of what it is to be male? The woman speaking has interviewed Trump numerous times. She realized in her last interview that she was infinitely more curious about his inner life than he has ever been. His inner life simply doesn’t exist. She called him animalistic in that way. And compared him to a puddle. He might be mildly interesting to look at for a moment, but, like a puddle, there simply isn’t much there due to his being only an inch or two deep. And this is the man some men, some evangelical men?!, are looking to as an example? Thankfully, my husband, an introspective man himself, doesn’t understand it anymore than I do. It’s an interesting listen. I look forward to reading your whole article today.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-dispatch-podcast/id1493229344?i=1000669667554
Yes, this is a glaring example of when we neglect our inner life, we are at risk of following a charismatic figure that may lead them over a cliff! I too am so thankful for the men in my family and friendships who do that important and rewarding work.
I'm coming up on 250 sessions with my therapist. As someone who leads an outdoor, prachurch men's Bible study, it's wild to me how little men access this resource—and others like it: guided soulwork retreats, nonfiction books, group counseling, etc. The insecurities that lead to so many frail egos present themselves in despicable ways, and it saddens me that you and your son absorbed those malignant projectiles.
Thanks, Ryan. Wow, that sounds like a great resource, especially since the leader is doing his own work too!
Back in college I was in training for being an RA in the dorms. One session the instructor had us move to different sides of the room based on preferences: dog people to the left and cat lovers to the right, pizza on the left and burgers on the right, etc. The final call? If you could change to the opposite sex (typical 80s nomenclature although it’s not how I would phrase it now) for six months, would you do it? I was the only one on the yes side of the room. All the other young women and men said no.
Here’s the deal. First, I knew it was just a thought exercise. Second, why not take the opportunity to experience the impossible?
The people who push the concept of manhood don’t understand personhood, and it leads to toxic lives such as you’ve described: shutting down, emotionally stunted development, “success” that leads to the pits of depression, ruin, and hell.
Spiritually there is no male or female. Paul was clear on that. I think this is a matter of the soul as well. The things that make for a healthy and whole person are the same for women and for men. Now, the ones who piled on your family won’t agree with that. They insist the Bible says men are in charge and women should stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches (I’m not parodizing their position) and that I’m a child of Satan. (Again, just summarizing what they’ve said about me.)
The reality is that women and men come in all types, and none of those types are an indication of someone’s manhood or womanhood. The attacks on you are examples of the implicit and explicit bias that I’m daily charged with addressing and encouraging people to overcome.
In the words of a wise philosopher: “People are people, so why should it be? You and I should get along so awfully.” (Depeche Mode.) I think the answer is that to some people other people aren’t worth seeing as real people. Sexism, racism, classism, and more are all based on a fundamental belief in inequality as a virtue.
Way to bring Depeche Mode into it!
That is an interesting question about swapping sexes. It would be quite the learning experiment! Six months would be a long time!
You wrote a whole post on Stevie Nicks, so I figured DM was fair game.
Wait. Where is this post about Stevie Nicks? There is a whole tradition of body swap movies. Some make interesting viewing and observations.
Maybe not a whole post, but a reference. From 2014 originally: https://aimeebyrd.com/can-i-handle-the-seasons-of-my-life/
Wow, from the 2014 archive!!
Seems like only yesterday. Ten years ago yesterday, but still.
“Me and Aimee? Yeah, we go back a ways.”
Thanks
"The things that make for a healthy and whole person are the same for women and for men."
Very true. Even as actors in the world, there are no moral distinctions between women and men. What qualities would be virtuous in a man, but not virtuous in a woman? What qualities would be virtuous in a woman, but not virtuous in a man? None.
This is so good. Yes. I’ve thought around this topic for a while now and you put it into words in a way that helped it resound like “TOTALLY.” The state of the soul. It’s real. And it wreaks havoc when not acknowledged or addressed.
I’m so sorry that happened to your son and fam. Such despicable behavior, but I love that you observed and engaged it on the deeper level(s) of what actually might be happening underneath. Sucks but it’s true.
I've been thinking about how we sometimes ask or get asked how our spiritual lives are. That is such a vague question, but it sounds holy. I wonder if we ask some more specific questions like the ones I shared from Hollis would help us help one another better.
I wrote them down to ask my 21yos.
Lord, make my soul your paradise
Yes!!!
❤️❤️
first, I'm so sorry for how those men continue to treat you and your family. it's so wrong.
also, this reminds me of a quote from a man (wish i could recall the source!) — "the first woman we're taught to hate is our own feminine side"
Oooof. What a quote!!
Whoa!
Aimee, I’m not sure where to start. This is the first piece of yours I’ve ever read after stumbling across this post shared by Chuck DeGroat on Facebook. I had to come here and read the rest.
There are so many deep truths in here I could underline. So many themes that I see daily in my office with men. I’m grateful for this piece and I’m sad about the wounded little boys in grown men bodies who shamed your family. I’m angry and tired at how that type of hypermasculinity is still so present in the church.
I’m also grateful for all the men out there who are working to change the narrative. And I don’t just mean men in the fields of psychology and theology, but more so the men outside of those fields. The men who are doing the work because they know their soul needs it and their families souls need it.
Looking forward to reading more of your work 🙏
Good to see you on here, bro. Totally agree with you. 👏🏼
Great piece Aimee - A couple thoughts:
1) I don’t share pictures of my family publicly over Social Media (“friends only”).
2) I also regret raising my kids in a church culture where the most important things were that you are against abortion & evolution, had a “beam me up, Jesus” bumper sticker on your car, and forced your kids to listen to DC Talk!
I’m so sorry your post about your son brought out the worst in people. That says more about them than you or your son; obviously. I imagine most of the negative hateful comments were from men? At any rate, thank YOU for sharing this important piece. As a fairly self aware and emotionally intelligent man who also battles a tough inner critic, I have to fight daily to care for my soul and tend to my “inner kingdom.” And as a single widower dad of 3 girls (6, 14, 16), I have to fight especially hard to remain present, patient, kind, and understanding with myself and my daughters. Men today need hits as much as they need hugs; and a loving balance of both kindness and candor could go a long way.
Great article. The photo illustration just screams 1970s!
How can you help men come alive? Every man fears the death of being considered incompetent. Every man. In some way, in some category of masculine skill. One thing that will touch a man’s soul is a word of appreciation.
So so good. My own husband declined being an elder in our church as he found the men only concerned with the behavior of people- not their souls.