On Turning 49, My Power Year, & Subversive Influence
...which is actual influence.
When I turned 47, I said that was going to be the year of wearing fun pants. I absolutely love a good pair of funky pants, and in my age, my not-give-a-shit-what-other-people-think-about-my-fashion-choices from my early years returned. It is glorious. So much so, that I am still buying and wearing the grooviest of the pants.
Sometimes. Right now, I’m in sweats.
48 felt solid, wise, and raw. I wrote the book that I think my soul has been churning and percolating over during her short lifetime here. It’s the book I’ve been trying to write all along but didn’t realize. I was distracted by looking for permission to be free to spread my elbows at the table of the evangelical church. I’ve stopped looking for permission from authority figures and began strengthening my listening skills to the Holy Spirit. It led me to the hard lifework of finding my face and helping others do the same. Saving Face releases in April and I am so proud and excited to share her with the world.
The endorsements are in, the editing is done, the cover design is epic. All that is left is for me to put on my voiceover actress hat and do the narrating for the audiobook.
But that’s not true. You see, the shadow side of being an author is the hustle. One must not only be a good writer about things people may want to read, but have a platform, be an influencer, gather all the people to admire your online presence so they share you with others and become buyers of your book. Because it needs to sell—you need to sell—and you want a lot of people to read it. This makes me weary.
Look at us. Twitter, where many authors spent years building community, is ruined. So authors are scrambling: Threads, Bluesky, Notes, Instagram, Facebook, whateverelse. I haven’t signed up for Bluesky yet, as I just don’t know if I have it in me. When I peruse these sites, it’s all the same. People post the same exact post across every media site. I don’t want to read the same post three times, and I don’t think you do either. But now we have too many options with less depth. That’s one reason I really like Substack.
I’m struggling with what it takes to be the social media influencer that authors are expected to be. I don’t want to start a category in my brain that needs to start churning out ideas for short video clips on a regular basis. I don’t want to see myself on them. I don’t want to be that person. I’m not against these methods, some authors are really good at it, and obviously successful. It’s just not me. And 48-turning-49 me has been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want. What is my soul longing for? What do I have to give? Who do I want to invest that in?
I’ve decided 49 is a power year. I’m on a countdown to my 50’s now, and yet I want to squeeze out every last drop of glorious 40’s juice. What a decade it has been. I want to be intentional in its close. I’ve been journaling a lot more and also recording my dreams. I’m learning much through these exercises as I’ve been exploring what vocation looks like for me now. Much of it I’ve thought through out loud on Substack posts, like On Being a Door Opener and The Difficulty of Finding and Opening Doors. I’ve done things I would never have considered before this year, like officiate my brother’s wedding. Talk about opening doors! And while praying about vocation, I’ve sensed such a direction and gratitude in loving my people who are right in front of me.
In this power year ahead of me, I have two daughters flying out of the Byrdnest (or cage, however you see it), one of which is getting married in June, and our son is in the middle of his undergrad work. I’m launching my 8th book! I will continue to regularly hike with soul friends, which is sacred time for me. Also, my husband and I started a monthly dinner club with three other couples that we are close with. I love the intentionality of that time and how real and raw we can be with one another. Meanwhile, we will be putting our house on the market this spring—not planning on moving from our area, but ready for a change as the cornfield behind us will be developed into another neighborhood.
You see? This is a power year, with plenty of change and plenty of blessings to treasure—young adults to launch, new adventures, Saving Face, stories to draw out and hold, all kinds of vessels for imagination to bloom.
This is where my best influence is and where I am most influenced. Not on social media. And truth be told, I’m weary of the evangelical culture. But I love the community here on Substack and feel a sense of reciprocity with my readers, so I want to keep that going. I feel like we can spread our elbows wider in this format. I love writing. And I will continue to share my writing and bits of thoughts and experiences on social media. But it’s a time of reevaluation on how that will look. I don’t know.
I’m reevaluating and rearranging—pivoting—as I’m living into my 50th year. In Saving Face, I share some of my journaling through the ups and downs of seeking community in the church. I still value that and know we are called to it. But Christ is revealing his face in the faces all around me as well. I realize that my longing and writing is in the department of soul care. And I really looked to the church for both the giving and receiving of that. Those needs are being met through liturgy, reading the word together, and the other practices that we do in and from corporate worship.
But I’m sensing a direction to the personal work of helping people have a rapport with their own souls and to clinical therapy, which is in essence soul care. What I’m saying is that this 49-year-old just applied to grad school to earn an M.S. in Counseling, Clinical Mental Health! It’s exciting, but also pretty scary, which is exactly why I think I should do it!
Who knows if I will be accepted into this limited program at my hometown college, but the power year is about taking risks. It’s about a lived life. And that is what is pointing me in this direction. Real power is not about “getting in” or arriving and it’s not measured against others. Real power is recognizing your present agency and how it is life-giving, soul-caring, creative, door-opening. Our faces are mirrors for others to find their own. This is how God made us, as we long for that ultimate blessing to have his face shine upon us. If I don’t get into this program, well, then I keep looking for doors. That’s where I’m at. That and fun pants.
So power up, I have a lot to learn at 49 and I hope to share some of it here.
“Our faces are mirrors for others to find their own.”
That sentence reflects a development in my own life over time. I hope that I’m a person with whom others find they can let down the walls, let their barriers crumble, with whom they don’t have to hide anything or behind anything, and can be just who they are. I’ve given up judging people (except professionally, because I need the paycheck), so don’t worry about what I’ll think. Come sit at my lunch table. Let’s hang out.
P.S. Thanks for inviting me to sit at your lunch table over the years, Aimee.
Congrats on entering the degree program, Aimee! I started working toward my M.A. in New Testament Studies at Northern Seminary two years ago, a few weeks before my 51st birthday. I graduate next June. It's never too late!