By the Power Vested in Me

Last weekend I got to experience something that resonated so deeply with my soul. It felt like I got to meet a part of who I am. And in this, I wasn’t only seeing beauty, but participating in the beautiful. I was in my zone, in alignment with my values, and was able to actually be gift and to offer others as gift to one another. And yet, I’m hesitant to write about this, because it is so deeply meaningful to me. I don’t want to cheapen it by the judgment of others. But how do you not share something so fabulous?

When I started this Substack, I wanted to write about what is real: what is the lump in my throat right now? That’s what matters to me. And by sharing that, I hope it provokes readers to find the beauty in grittiness and struggle, as well as in the times it is just joyously offered to us. Often, they intermingle. Maybe that’s because too often we miss the beauty so freely offered.

My 24-year-old brother married his high school sweetheart on Friday. I watched them grow up together. Many of us who attended the wedding were witnesses to the growth of their love. They haven’t settled into a church yet but have expressed that they want to take their time in finding one now that they are out of college and settling into this new stage of life. He was attending a church at college, but the last one he was a member of was the same one as me, where all the abuse unfolded. My brother came to me saying that he didn’t want to rush into finding a church just for the purpose of having an officiant. And yet, even as their wedding coordinator had a list of options for them, he “didn’t want some random cowboy to marry them.” He and his fiancé wanted to incorporate their faith into the ceremony, and maybe you sense where this is going.

They wanted me to do it, to officiate their wedding. My dad gave me a bit of a heads up that this was their desire. When I first heard it, I thought it absurd. Maybe, anyway. I mean, I’m no pastor or civil official, and I don’t want to pretend to be one. I have a high regard for the pastorate. But this is my brother asking me, and if I say no, I want it to be for good reason.

So I began looking into the history of wedding ceremonies in the church and in ancient culture and the qualifications for officiating a wedding in Maryland. This also led me to begin looking into the history of ordination. I learned that wedding ceremonies are completely cultural. For a very long time they were done in the home. Jewish marriage before the Middle Ages consisted of two stages. First was the betrothal, in which the couple was legally bound, but the bride still lived with her father. And then after some time, the wedding festival, followed by the betrothed woman moving in with her groom and both consummating the marriage. The festivities were held in the bride or groom’s home.

In the early church, wedding ceremonies were centered around family and community, not the church. There wasn’t an exchange of vows as we know them today or even church officers needed. In the late 4^th century, we see record of parents and priests offering blessings and prayers. Wedding ceremonies did not become firmly established and connected to the church until the 12^th century, when marriage became a holy sacrament in the Roman Catholic Church. In American history, the Pilgrims kept wedding ceremonies separate from the church, a civil union. I was having this conversation about what I was learning with a missionary friend of mine, and she said that where they ministered, the wedding ceremony consisted of the mom giving and putting a new pair of earrings on her daughter. And then she was married!

But here is the rub. I’m not a civil authority. And in the state of Maryland, you need either a civil authority or an ordained minister to marry you. Which leads me to the next rabbit hole. Ordination. Am I really going to get ordained online by some universalist church? I know the education and work many pastors go through to get ordained. I respect that. But I’ve also learned that often, it has nothing to do with Christian character and maturity—put in the time, make sure the checks cash, and answer your exam questions on doctrine according to your denominational leaders’ liking. Bada-bing, bada-boom. I’ve seen—I’ve been a product of—the extreme damage done by the weight of this office when it abuses and enables abuse. And on the other end, I’ve been in churches where there are far less educational and doctrinal requirements for ordination. Even before the internet “churches” revealed it to us, requirements for ordination varied widely. What does it even mean?

While we do have the laying on of hands in Scripture, conveying a special gifting by the Spirit for service, we can’t so easily equate it with what we have now as the modern practice of ordination. Ordination (from the Latin ordo, meaning class or rank) is a word/practice lifted from ancient Roman society. In a desire to defend Christianity against heresy, Christian apologists like Tertullian borrowed this common language from the Roman ranking system to secure authority and further separation of clergy from laity. In ancient Rome, the process of ordinatio was how one could progress in rank and status, granting jurisdictional, governmental, and even sometimes cultic authority (interesting how we do not use the word plebs in church government). So, beginning in the 2^nd century, we see this adaption of ordination for the church, assigning authority and status to protect it from schism.

By the 3^rd century we have a detailed description of an ordination ceremony for bishops, elders, and deacons. Not long after, the ordained were considered marked by God to confer the holy sacraments, conveying salvific grace. By the 5^th century, ordination transitions from a rite that is associated with a task or ministry, to becoming attached to the person. It’s not lost on me that women were being pushed out of the ministry by this sacramental, hierarchical ecclesiology as well.

I’m over-simplifying this long history, but my point here is that ordination itself is not a “biblical” word and is a cultural construction of its own. I’m not saying that it cannot be adapted well by the church, but it is adapted nonetheless and has a lot of harmful hierarchical baggage. It can mean one thing in the Roman Catholic Church, hold different meaning and qualification even within Protestant denominations, and mean something else in how the state of Maryland recognizes it for the ministry of officiating a wedding. The state of Maryland doesn’t qualify what makes one ordained, or what kind of person is ordained, but recognizes ordination in the ministry as a status for the task of legally officiating a wedding. This made me more inclined to say yes when my brother asked me to officiate his wedding. And as I did some research, I found the American Marriage Ministries that exists for this very purpose. I was comfortable to be appointed for this specific and beautiful ministry.

And what a blessing! From having my brother and new sister-in-law over for dinners to discuss their intentions and desires, to planning the ceremony and homily, leading to the great honor of that day, I can say that the whole experience was a great honor. I got to be a blessing to them, they were certainly a blessing to me (young love!), and the ceremony was incredibly meaningful for the whole family. I made it clear from the beginning that I am not a pastor nor want to pretend to take that place for them, and am here to encourage them in that process, but I was all “here” for this honorable appointment.

The wedding was such an emotional day in all the best ways! I was overcome with joy for them and in seeing the joy and intensity on their faces through the whole ceremony. And I got to share about one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7).

While marriage is not a sacrament, and can totally be performed outside of the church, it is such a picture of Christ’s unitive love for his people. And these words are his own words breaking in, showing us what is real, a recognition of what we all long to hear when we meet his gaze. A reminder of how he sees us and the beautifying his Spirit is working in us. Everything in me longed to share this not only with my brother and sister-in-law, but with all the witnesses and fellow celebrators there. To mark their wedding with this wonder.

Do I believe that a pastor is a special calling and gifting by the Spirit? Yes. I’m not in any way wanting to belittle this important vocation. But I also believe in every member ministry. And I now believe that officiating a wedding is an honorable way to participate in that. Some people whom I love in my inner circle disagree. I had to think about that in answering my brother’s request. And in the back of my mind, I knew that the internet would eventually find out. What fuel this is for those who think I have some “liberal agenda.” I am not trying to make trouble. But I have nothing to hide. I also know some of my faithful readers will be disappointed. I decided to be okay with that. I did it for my brother and sister-in-law because they asked me and it truly was an honor. And, I have to say, ranks up there with the most real, Spirit-filled experiences of my life.