Biblical - I was a theological exam away from becoming certified as a biblical counselor about three years ago. I had received help from a Biblical counselor, and it seemed to work, and it was biblical, so why not get trained on how to help others the same way? This is IABC "Biblical" counseling, so there was a hardline stance against psychology and medication.
Multiple mental health diagnoses along with hours of actual therapy later and I'm realizing that what I really needed was a hug and some Adderall.
Your words consistently touch my heart, Aimee. I am a few months removed from stepping out of the pastorate in an evangelical tradition. While wrestling with depression and ptsd, I still missed the familial connection I felt with my church family. Several weeks ago we visited a church an hour away from our home, thinking we are far enough removed that we can attend and not be noticed.
The liturgy flowed the way it was supposed to. There were no outward messages that I disagreed with, but the familiar evangelical Christianese language messed me up in the head for the next 7-10 days. Hearing things like, we’ve all fallen short of the glory, we are all sinful, as a way to avoid looking in the mirror, or to absolve the denomination/tradition of truly thinking with the mind of Christ and changing the way they think, is too much to carry. Particularly when the falling short is the thing that has destroyed so many lives.
What does one do when the place of hope and restoration is the place that caused despair and division? How does one heal when the language used is the same as the abuser that lead them to this point? Evangelical circles talk so much about “the world” pulling people away from the church. When in reality, from my experience, it is more people finding the strength to leave an abusive relationship, and wrestling with the same issues one does when moving on from an abusive spouse. The problem is not vertical, but horizontal. Connecting with the trinity is easier than connecting to the “earthly” (there’s another word), representatives or “ambassadors” (there’s another one), of the trinity.
I am not a pastor and I know this pain well enough to write two books out of it! In may ways, I believe God is working in what I call the "underground" in The Hope in Our Scars. Hope is disruptive, after all. I still value the church, ache for more here. But am in wonder about how God brings us Christ in subversive ways. We can very easily use that language, "all fall short," to downplay the harm we do to ourselves and others. Man, what masks we can wear! I see where I have participated in that. And I groan with you on how hard it is to recover amidst so much disillusionment.
Your words made me cry. You defined me and my experiences so well! I miss Sunday worship, but I do not miss Sunday congregations or leadership. We are told to be in community- that is not defined. Community can be 2 people, it can be a Bible study group filled with rich discussion, it can be a home church, it can be meeting in a park or at a lake, it does not say a brick and mortar on Sunday with a man in front of you giving his denominational interpretation and application of the Bible. Find your hope and restoration in a community that makes you feel safe, or start one with others searching as you are- share the teaching role or simply have a facilitator. For me that is currently two local women’s Bible studies where we minister to each other. It could be one but the walks are so different! I would love to be in a male , female study but the only one I have found so far is too much like the congregation leadership that has scared me . You cannot heal in the same old environment, that is why I think God will give us something new, so we can bring people to Him and back to Him, what we have will not, is not doing that- God is absent from too many congregations.
I've been writing about this — christianese turns my stomach now. And the fake “amen, hallelujahs used as filler words by those preaching instead of um and ah, always totally out of context. I'm working on a song about this. Thanks for sharing in the way you did. Feeling everything you said.
I especially am irritated when Father or Dear God are repeated in prayer. You called out to Him once, He has not become distracted! You do not need to bring a him back into the conversation- He never left it!
"Blessed" is the one that drives me nuts...along with all the crafty wood paintings and religious housewarming items in script font..."Blessed"
Someone looking at their infant and saying they are so "Blessed". Yet the young woman sitting in the pew behind her who has been trying to conceive for years - isn't "blessed"? Pick your analogy or circumstance but I just can't get down with that.
To me, "Blessed" means one thing - Immanuel. God with Us.
I feel the exact same way about new age rhetoric and Christian sneeze. Too many people put on the "I got it all figured out" or "I'm so innocent" tone in their stuff. It's more than the words. It's a lack of humility. Humility feels different. It's like a candle, rather than the high beams. This is an important discussion and a different way of looking at sharing truth. Thank you.
I've worked for years to be able to express doctrinal thoughts in street-level ways. This keeps me from short-circuiting the conversation and creating an unnecessarily hostile environment. When I mean "go to church," what I'm really saying is that we need each other for encouragement and growth, so "find some mature believers in your area and hang out with them" is probably more useful than "go to church."
The evangelical language is a difficult one to learn. Not because the words are foreign but because of the context they are put in and the frequency of their use. Ultimately, also, because of how they are used against you, by both men and women, who have the misconception that you are the one needing correction- when it is them acting judgmental and not at all following Jesus’s example. I was hurt and felt deceived when I discovered that I was someone’s “project” not someone that I was becoming friends with. This is such dishonesty, such an assumption from someone that didn’t even take the time to know me. One more church hurt to add to the scars.
The frequency of words being used and the assumed posture of piety, authority, superiority is the most aggravating to me. I say this because those being defined as this are the most arrogant, judgmental and cliquish of all in the congregation. And usually in leadership positions, themselves or their spouses. Whereas those whose heart belongs to Jesus, who are constantly striving to be an example of Christ can sit and have a conversation with you, use the same words but in the context they were meant to be. Note the word “conversation” that requires two or more people discussing, it does not mean anyone is being judged, no assumptions being made. In this case it is simply two Jesus followers talking about the challenges of being what Jesus asked us to be. A supportive community of two.
Our congregations have lost God as He intended to be present with them. That is the saddest reality of all. I watched a congregation implode because of this reality. They didn’t even realize that they were more of a secular organization supported by egos, selfishness and senses of ownership than a congregation that discipled, mentored, loved and cared for others. They had all the right ministries but lacked the Christian heart. It took three years with an intern pastor specializing in regrowth to heal this congregation. It required people to leave, some for better, some from being too hurt, a new name and an invitation for God to come back as their Head and Jesus as their lead pastor.
Jesus taught the inclusive application of these words, not the segregation of them used improperly.
The sad part is this was the first time, it happened again. I always seem to expect the good, trust in my expectation of what I view as Christianity, hope in a different experience. Unfortunately, in current times and congregational culture I am usually hurt again. But Jesus kept moving forward knowing what was coming, God kept saving and showing grace. Both taught us forgivness. If I am to exemplify Jesus, be a living example of the Gospel, then I guess I better just stay the path. 💕
So well articulated! I have been feeling this same way with many Christian words and old ways I was before so much change and growth began happening in me. You helped me see that I am on a right path forward as a disciple of Jesus… even though others are confused by me at times now.
“Christian” language is used to cloak SO much evil. I’ve listened to so many Christian-word-salad, trite, platitudinous sermons, so grievous because they are such a sham. Once again, Aimee, you’ve articulated this problem so well! Thank you for using your voice; it gives me hope!
"Grace" - I have a few examples of toxic, abusive churches that have re-branded themselves as e.g. "Grace Reformed Church". Basically it's a codeword for 'our leaders abused their office and betrayed you, but now they want you to act as if nothing happened, or else'.
Thank you so much for your work. Your writings continually minister to my wounded heart. All of these have made me sick. Especially modesty as it has been weaponized against so many women. I've often thought many of these "modesty" conversations, if taken place outside of the church, would be nothing more than sexual harassment.
Biblical - I was a theological exam away from becoming certified as a biblical counselor about three years ago. I had received help from a Biblical counselor, and it seemed to work, and it was biblical, so why not get trained on how to help others the same way? This is IABC "Biblical" counseling, so there was a hardline stance against psychology and medication.
Multiple mental health diagnoses along with hours of actual therapy later and I'm realizing that what I really needed was a hug and some Adderall.
I'm so sorry, I've been in that environment. It can ruin people.
I've got stories...
This.
Your words consistently touch my heart, Aimee. I am a few months removed from stepping out of the pastorate in an evangelical tradition. While wrestling with depression and ptsd, I still missed the familial connection I felt with my church family. Several weeks ago we visited a church an hour away from our home, thinking we are far enough removed that we can attend and not be noticed.
The liturgy flowed the way it was supposed to. There were no outward messages that I disagreed with, but the familiar evangelical Christianese language messed me up in the head for the next 7-10 days. Hearing things like, we’ve all fallen short of the glory, we are all sinful, as a way to avoid looking in the mirror, or to absolve the denomination/tradition of truly thinking with the mind of Christ and changing the way they think, is too much to carry. Particularly when the falling short is the thing that has destroyed so many lives.
What does one do when the place of hope and restoration is the place that caused despair and division? How does one heal when the language used is the same as the abuser that lead them to this point? Evangelical circles talk so much about “the world” pulling people away from the church. When in reality, from my experience, it is more people finding the strength to leave an abusive relationship, and wrestling with the same issues one does when moving on from an abusive spouse. The problem is not vertical, but horizontal. Connecting with the trinity is easier than connecting to the “earthly” (there’s another word), representatives or “ambassadors” (there’s another one), of the trinity.
I am not a pastor and I know this pain well enough to write two books out of it! In may ways, I believe God is working in what I call the "underground" in The Hope in Our Scars. Hope is disruptive, after all. I still value the church, ache for more here. But am in wonder about how God brings us Christ in subversive ways. We can very easily use that language, "all fall short," to downplay the harm we do to ourselves and others. Man, what masks we can wear! I see where I have participated in that. And I groan with you on how hard it is to recover amidst so much disillusionment.
Your words made me cry. You defined me and my experiences so well! I miss Sunday worship, but I do not miss Sunday congregations or leadership. We are told to be in community- that is not defined. Community can be 2 people, it can be a Bible study group filled with rich discussion, it can be a home church, it can be meeting in a park or at a lake, it does not say a brick and mortar on Sunday with a man in front of you giving his denominational interpretation and application of the Bible. Find your hope and restoration in a community that makes you feel safe, or start one with others searching as you are- share the teaching role or simply have a facilitator. For me that is currently two local women’s Bible studies where we minister to each other. It could be one but the walks are so different! I would love to be in a male , female study but the only one I have found so far is too much like the congregation leadership that has scared me . You cannot heal in the same old environment, that is why I think God will give us something new, so we can bring people to Him and back to Him, what we have will not, is not doing that- God is absent from too many congregations.
Word Vomit-submission, biblical, repentance, and another is roles. They make the stomach sour, what a good correlation. 💕
1) putting “Biblical” or “Biblical view” in front of something, such as “Biblical marriage.”
2) “the Bible is clear.”
Both used to shut down discussion and not listen to others. When what is clear is their own interpretation.
I've been writing about this — christianese turns my stomach now. And the fake “amen, hallelujahs used as filler words by those preaching instead of um and ah, always totally out of context. I'm working on a song about this. Thanks for sharing in the way you did. Feeling everything you said.
Yes, filler words!
I especially am irritated when Father or Dear God are repeated in prayer. You called out to Him once, He has not become distracted! You do not need to bring a him back into the conversation- He never left it!
"Blessed" is the one that drives me nuts...along with all the crafty wood paintings and religious housewarming items in script font..."Blessed"
Someone looking at their infant and saying they are so "Blessed". Yet the young woman sitting in the pew behind her who has been trying to conceive for years - isn't "blessed"? Pick your analogy or circumstance but I just can't get down with that.
To me, "Blessed" means one thing - Immanuel. God with Us.
I feel the exact same way about new age rhetoric and Christian sneeze. Too many people put on the "I got it all figured out" or "I'm so innocent" tone in their stuff. It's more than the words. It's a lack of humility. Humility feels different. It's like a candle, rather than the high beams. This is an important discussion and a different way of looking at sharing truth. Thank you.
I've worked for years to be able to express doctrinal thoughts in street-level ways. This keeps me from short-circuiting the conversation and creating an unnecessarily hostile environment. When I mean "go to church," what I'm really saying is that we need each other for encouragement and growth, so "find some mature believers in your area and hang out with them" is probably more useful than "go to church."
The evangelical language is a difficult one to learn. Not because the words are foreign but because of the context they are put in and the frequency of their use. Ultimately, also, because of how they are used against you, by both men and women, who have the misconception that you are the one needing correction- when it is them acting judgmental and not at all following Jesus’s example. I was hurt and felt deceived when I discovered that I was someone’s “project” not someone that I was becoming friends with. This is such dishonesty, such an assumption from someone that didn’t even take the time to know me. One more church hurt to add to the scars.
The frequency of words being used and the assumed posture of piety, authority, superiority is the most aggravating to me. I say this because those being defined as this are the most arrogant, judgmental and cliquish of all in the congregation. And usually in leadership positions, themselves or their spouses. Whereas those whose heart belongs to Jesus, who are constantly striving to be an example of Christ can sit and have a conversation with you, use the same words but in the context they were meant to be. Note the word “conversation” that requires two or more people discussing, it does not mean anyone is being judged, no assumptions being made. In this case it is simply two Jesus followers talking about the challenges of being what Jesus asked us to be. A supportive community of two.
Our congregations have lost God as He intended to be present with them. That is the saddest reality of all. I watched a congregation implode because of this reality. They didn’t even realize that they were more of a secular organization supported by egos, selfishness and senses of ownership than a congregation that discipled, mentored, loved and cared for others. They had all the right ministries but lacked the Christian heart. It took three years with an intern pastor specializing in regrowth to heal this congregation. It required people to leave, some for better, some from being too hurt, a new name and an invitation for God to come back as their Head and Jesus as their lead pastor.
Jesus taught the inclusive application of these words, not the segregation of them used improperly.
It must have felt like such a betrayal to sense you were more of a project than in a mutual relationship. I'm so sorry.
The sad part is this was the first time, it happened again. I always seem to expect the good, trust in my expectation of what I view as Christianity, hope in a different experience. Unfortunately, in current times and congregational culture I am usually hurt again. But Jesus kept moving forward knowing what was coming, God kept saving and showing grace. Both taught us forgivness. If I am to exemplify Jesus, be a living example of the Gospel, then I guess I better just stay the path. 💕
He sustains us.
A perfect analogy. Your insights are always spot on.
So well articulated! I have been feeling this same way with many Christian words and old ways I was before so much change and growth began happening in me. You helped me see that I am on a right path forward as a disciple of Jesus… even though others are confused by me at times now.
I’d also add the words: “God is good.” As if it’s suppose to soothe one’s suffering, or excuse one’s complaining in their previous rant.
Thanks for putting this in words. I feel it so often. I could add more.
Ohmygosh yes. This!
“Christian” language is used to cloak SO much evil. I’ve listened to so many Christian-word-salad, trite, platitudinous sermons, so grievous because they are such a sham. Once again, Aimee, you’ve articulated this problem so well! Thank you for using your voice; it gives me hope!
"Grace" - I have a few examples of toxic, abusive churches that have re-branded themselves as e.g. "Grace Reformed Church". Basically it's a codeword for 'our leaders abused their office and betrayed you, but now they want you to act as if nothing happened, or else'.
Thank you so much for your work. Your writings continually minister to my wounded heart. All of these have made me sick. Especially modesty as it has been weaponized against so many women. I've often thought many of these "modesty" conversations, if taken place outside of the church, would be nothing more than sexual harassment.