Self-Awareness, Personas, & Finding Our Faces

Every day is a new crazy: in the news, politics, the church, work… I feel like my nervous system is on constant high alert. And a theme that I see over and over is lack of self-awareness, myself included. Everyone seems to be playing a part. We think we should be a certain way, act a certain way, and we begin believing we look that certain way. But do others see us the way that we envision ourselves?

In my Theories and Principles of Counseling class last week, we watched a portion of the infamous “Gloria” interviews, the one where Gloria is interviewed by the late Dr. Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy. He was known to be intimidating in therapy, and right off the bat Gloria, all gussied up in 1964 style, lights a cigarette, giggles, and says, “By the way, I’m scared.” But Dr. Perls tells her that she doesn’t look scared—as a matter of fact, she is smiling. Why would she be smiling if she were really scared? Gloria responds that she is suspicious of him and that she thinks he already knows that she laughs, kids, and smiles to cover up her fear. She tells him that she feels like he will come at her, and she wants him to be in her corner. As he asks her more about this, Gloria offers up that she is reminded of when she was a little girl and how she felt better sitting in a corner when she was scared.

But Perls wasn’t taking the bait. He asks her, “Are you a little girl?” He’s a bit combative about it, talking over Gloria and repeating his question while she wants to talk about how she felt as a little girl. When he asks what there is for a 30-year-old woman to be afraid of, she says that he can make her feel dumb and stupid. Perls replies, “What would it do for you to be dumb and stupid?” Gloria thinks this is an absurd question. When she pushes back, saying how she hates to feel like that, he kept repeating it. He is calling her bluff, that maybe she is manipulating him. Maybe her saying that she feels dumb and stupid will change his behavior. Gloria says that she wants him to be more protective of her. Again, Perls points out her smile, saying she doesn’t believe a word she says. He calls her a phony, saying she is putting on a performance for him. And she adamantly argues against this. Gloria gets angry with him. When she does this, Dr. Perls tells Gloria that she is finally being real with him.

I think there are better ways to get beyond a person’s persona than Dr. Perls demonstrated. Everyone in my class concurred that he was a bit of an asshole. But Gloria grows so frustrated by his nit-picking observations about her and his disregard for how she was presenting herself that she stands up for herself, quits the whole “you are above me” and “poor little me” act, and gets angry. Immediately, I thought of all the ways women still camouflage our anger because of how it pathologizes us. But there was a gift there in that moment—her realness. Gloria had power in her after all and did not have to continue in that damsel in distress role. She was present with her feelings and her body in the moment.

We broke up in small groups to analyze the video a bit, and I said something about how Gloria came in thinking she was one type of woman, but Dr. Perls held up a mirror for her to be introduced to herself. Another classmate commented about how difficult that would be for any of us. What are we presenting as? What are we telling ourselves about our selves? So often, it’s easier not to be self-aware. The persona protects us, makes us feel secure.

I saw another video clip this week that was extremely disturbing but reminded me of this theme of self-awareness as well. And this is the meeting between President Trump, Vice President Vance, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy last Friday. There’s a lot that can be said about the bully tactics used by our President and VP, and how sickening it was. Shameful. But there was such a revealing moment—where Zelenskyy uncovered what is real—that fits into this whole self-awareness theme. A reporter, the VP, and Trump himself commented on Zelenskyy’s attire. They said it was disrespectful that he was not wearing a suit in the Oval Office. Zelenskyy replied, "I will wear a costume after this war finishes.” Apparently, the Ukrainian/Russian word for suit is translated costume, костюм. But wow! That is what was going on in front of him, men wearing costumes, forcing their narrative, demanding gratitude while deceiving, taking, reversing the role of victim and oppressor, and trying to play a President in need for his country for a fool. You can keep your shoulder pads, buddy.

Photo by Abhinav Bhardwaj on Unsplash

Just this week, I’ve had a few encounters with my own self-awareness. And they messed with my sense of self. Am I who I think I am? What are my values, here? Do I need to stand up for myself? Do I press on or submit to closed doors as a sign to change direction? What matters? How do people perceive me? Are they right? Where is the mirror?

Pretty existential, right? Self-awareness is one of the themes that runs through my upcoming book, Saving Face. And y’all, it releases next month! I want to share some preorder bonuses with you and will in more detail in upcoming posts. Preorders are important for authors, as they build momentum for sales.

I think the church is also suffering from a lack of self-awareness, as an institution, and among the individual selves in it. One description of my book puts it this way:

What if the crises in the church today are not because we don’t have the right doctrine, but because we’ve lost our imagination and wonder? What if we’ve lost sight and longing for the ultimate blessing to have God’s face shine upon us in Christ? What if we are spending all our time hustling a curated face of what we think we are supposed to be and never really developing a real face? Never digging the truth out of ourselves about who we are? And missing the presence of Christ with his people?

Saving Face is a meditation on the divine face, and the meaning we get from the faces of others as we are trying to find our own.

Preorder Bonuses include:

• The introduction and first chapter to start reading instantly

• Access to the reading group led by your truly (Kicks off the week of April 14)

• The second chapter of the audiobook, read by me! Guys, this is a labor of love!!!!(Available on release day, April 8)

The landing page for the book is now live; please check out SavingFaceBook.com, where you can find out more about the book and share your preorder receipt for the bonus material. I am most looking forward to the book club I will be hosting here on Substack for all who preorder the book! Let’s begin trying to find our faces and get real!