Aimee thank you for sharing your heart. It resonates with me.
My thoughts go to my own journey which I would define as having my certainty declining and increasing occupied by “uncertainty “. This is a great place to be at 72 years…I listen more, feel gratitude in abundance, seek to understand more than be understood.
Keep making a difference by being you, a precious and unique creation.
Uncertainty can be so scary at first. I see that so much of how I lived was trying to hold onto some faux security. But it is also beautiful because we see God outside of our boxes and imagination. And in the faces of all those around us.
If I am hearing you correctly, it sounds like we are in a similar space. "Coming out" in a way that doesn't alienate my followers while simultaneously creating a safe space for the marginalized and the mis-aligned. I very much look forward to sticking around :)
This post. Anyone who wants to see you professionally in the future will appreciate your candor and honesty. And I know sitting with you, they will feel held no matter their spiritual background or preference.
It seems to me to be a huge shift in how we approach others and I'm thankful you're recognizing the nuance. I was taught how to have the right answers and how to identify sin in myself and others so we could "fix" each other. As I've taken the journey through multiple counselors, I recognize that the process isn't as much figuring out the sin and hitting people over the head with it ala ACBC, but more walking along people as they process who they are in the midst of pain, abuse and defense mechanisms. I think the church could learn a lot and be on the forefront because it's ultimately a process of making space for the Holy Spirit to speak and direct in the situation, but the Evangelical church would rather pastors and elders fill that gap than the Holy Spirit.
It is sad. For years, I have been trying to figure out how a pastor is even defined in the church, as it isn't a clear office in the early, NT church. And I have seen so much of it wrapped up in authoritarianism and hierarchy. And so, when there are questions or diversity...they go straight to authoritarian approach.
I am 74 and an ex-vangelical. So much of what you wrote resonates with me. It is as if I have returned to the questions of my younger days, save the one about who is Jesus. He has never left me, and even called me to cease all active ministry as a priest. I, too, am having to reflect deeply on where to next and what to write. I offer this thought. I have learned and still am learning to be still and allow my soul to be as a weaned child with its mother. To rest in God’s nurturing embrace, because in that "place" my anxious ego is also quiet and my thoughts cease to define me; they are my thoughts, they are not my true self. This, I think, is for me the beginning of a contemplative spirituality. Perhaps that is where our God us leading you too?
I was almost in tears as I 'happened' to read your post this morning. You are putting into words so much of what I am feeling and wrestling with atm. Please keep writing and working this through.
I am just coming across you now. Your name sounds familiar, and I think I have friends who have read your books. However, I somehow missed out!
I don't know where you have been, and I don't know where you are going. Maybe there are others out there, like me, that don't really need to know...we will be content to learn grace as you are able to share it.
Some Gracious Words from My Dad:
For a little context, I'll tell you that I'm Canadian. American politics does impact the Canadian church, but not to the same degree as in the States. We are not quite as political...though it feels like that's changing.
My church, though it's been through hard times for other reasons, has not been overly shaken by politics. I give thanks to God for that every day. I know churches around me that are.
My father and grandfather were seminary professors at a small reformed Baptist school. I attended there too. Many of those dear friendships have been shaken...and that's been pretty grievous. So confusing. However, I have dear American friends who have lost their entire church family, and their actual family due to politics. They are suffering tremendously. I'm humbled by all they have to endure.
My dad was a church history professor. What a blessing! He's been warning me my entire life that the West would one day fall. He suspected it would happen in our lifetime. He taught me about persecution from outside the church, and from within. He prepared me for all of this....though he didn't know what was actually coming. He was not into conspiracy theories, and also warned me about those. He often warned that the North American church could face judgment. He taught me the multitude of problems we have across Evangelicalism. This was in the early 90's! Even now, as he looks at how the 'Evangelical' church is falling apart, he is not dismayed. He tells me that Jesus knows his true bride - all across the world, and he Christ will keep his bride. He tells me to keep my eyes on Christ, no matter what others choose to do. It's all still so hard, all that is happening. My heart feels deep dismay. But wow...how reorienting to have my dad's voice in my head, now, and as I remember all he taught me until now. He's far from perfect, but he did prepare me well for this moment.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that is relevant to you...but his words, and the contemplation of all of church history, are balms to my spirit as we weather some very difficult times.
Christian Counseling and Words of Life; and Words of Death:
There are so many harms that have been done in the Biblical Counseling movement. Much good, but so much harm.
In 2015, I went to the ACBC conference. I talked to one of the speakers. I shared how my friend had been murdered by her husband. I went to seminary with her husband. I had walked closely with her in the days leading up to her death. It was utterly horrific. I couldn't comprehend it, and was drowning in grief. I needed answers. I asked this ACBC speaker - how could a husband and pastor do this to his wife (and his unborn child). He responded by telling me she probably did something to provoke him. After all, it takes two to tango, and in marriage, both members are always to blame. I went away from that ACBC conference, and would never trust anything from them again. That could have been an overreaction...but wow...this speaker really wrecked me. And no, I don't think any of his words were true. I think the man who murdered my friend was deeply disturbed. He had an affair with someone he was counseling, and then he couldn't get 'over' this woman when his affair was exposed. I think divorce was so abhorrent to him, he chose murder instead. This man was like a brother to me, and he killed my friend. And this ACBC speaker said it was my murdered friend's fault. These words still haunt me.
However, my experience at that conference wasn't a total waste. David Powlison was also speaking. He's the real reason we made the effort to attend. I love much of the work at CCEF (though I'm sure they are far from perfect as well). I got in line to speak with him. I told him his work on suffering basically saved my life. Though there was a long line of people waiting to speak with him behind me, he took me aside and spoke with me for half an hour. He grieved with me. He shared his own griefs, and shared how people had failed him. And he told me that God is my firm foundation...never forget it. And I won't. While the words of the other speaker gave me death...David Powlison's words were full of grace and life. He pointed me to truth, gracious and healing truth.
Those who need counseling will need words of grace and life. So no matter what you write, or where you are headed, it's the words of grace and life that your clients will most treasure.
I didn't share any of that to try and 'fix' anything for you...but to grieve with you. These are wild times. Wilder in the church. I often feel quite desperately shaken, and it's not as bad here in Canada. I do look at my commentaries, and wonder which ones I should trust now. I will be praying for you, especially as you seek to find the right balance in all of this unknown. And I pray you will be able to comfort your clients with much grace and life. It's the words of grace and life that kept me.
I am new to your writing but I appreciate it. I liked what you said about writing recently: "It just seems like such a hustle to write. And to write about the latest thing." I couldn't agree more. I joined Substack this month and even in the Christian spaces, I feel like I've entered this huge competitive, performative space which doesn't necessarily feel like what I feel called to do or what I want to do with my writing. "Look at me. Look at me." Just doesn't feel good, but at the same time I too, want my writing noticed and to feel affirmed in what I've spent so many hours doing. it's a difficult paradox. In any case, I love that you're bringing your love for Christ into the counseling space, while also respecting the training and methods of the field. I've seen a lot of abuse in Christian counseling in churches coming from untrained pastors and lay people, who with the best intentions hurt those they intend to counsel. My hope is that you will continue just being you and finding your passion to write rather than just to fill a performative space. I think you still have much to say and an audience eager to hear it.
“And I am not going in the direction of becoming a so-called Christian therapist. I am in the direction of becoming a therapist who is a Christian, but who will bracket that to help each client live according to their values.”
That’s exactly the space I am in, what I do, and I love it.
Please let me know if you ever wanna talk about it. We can do it over the phone. We do not have to meet at your favorite bourbon place.🤣 (unless we told our spouses and you insisted.)
at Aimee, you're not alone. I appreciate what you are saying. As a hospital chaplain, I've realized I'm there to listen, care, and find out what helps people. I don't come with an agenda; that seems very important to both of us. It's often a new experience for those used to "fixers." We both respond when I connect rather than correct. Knowing I care makes a big difference, and I see Jesus doing that every time. Keep up the good work.
I totally get your dilemma about how you want to show up on Substack, recognizing that you will have to present only a subset of your interests and convictions. You are wise to wrestle through that early. I'm retired and don't have to worry about how I present to clients, but I have different audiences. I write a lifestyle blog that I used to see as my outlet for whatever was on my mind. But when I wrote about anything political, it was combustible -- some readers felt seen and others felt betrayed. Oof. So now I keep my blog to lighter, more general topics and use Substack for the occasional political or cultural post. Time constraints keep my Substack posts to a minimum, but maybe that's alright. Does the world need my take, or does it just make me feel good to stand up for my values? I continue to wrestle.
I do think there's space above the fray for you to speak into our cultural moment. We are all just so stinkin' exhausted with the daily assault of awfulness, and it helps to have someone remind us that virtuous living and long-suffering kindness still matter in this world. Resistance takes many forms. Some may need to scream into the void, but others wield power in steady, faithful, grounded wisdom. I, for one, could use that kind of word from you.
Thank you for adding your thoughts out loud to this struggle, Aileen. It is a lot to wrestle through. I want my clients to feel safe and valued by me. But yes, sometimes sharing my convictions and being open about them is the appropriate action for that.
Aimee thank you for sharing your heart. It resonates with me.
My thoughts go to my own journey which I would define as having my certainty declining and increasing occupied by “uncertainty “. This is a great place to be at 72 years…I listen more, feel gratitude in abundance, seek to understand more than be understood.
Keep making a difference by being you, a precious and unique creation.
Uncertainty can be so scary at first. I see that so much of how I lived was trying to hold onto some faux security. But it is also beautiful because we see God outside of our boxes and imagination. And in the faces of all those around us.
If I am hearing you correctly, it sounds like we are in a similar space. "Coming out" in a way that doesn't alienate my followers while simultaneously creating a safe space for the marginalized and the mis-aligned. I very much look forward to sticking around :)
Yes, there's a lot of liminality there too.
That’s a space a lot of us are in. Watching the degradation of evangelical and reformed spaces has been one of the hardest things to go through.
It’s a whole shift of what I imagined reality to be to what it is.
And yet now , on the other side, I see so many parallels between what we experienced in Reformed circles and what the political reality is.
I think the heart of the problem is the breaking of covenants
Constitutions, books of order, vows, societal norms are regarded as disposable in the pursuit of power…in homes, churches and governments
There then is no stability anywhere and nothing you can depend on
And because of what you have gone through and your particular gift you will be a great therapist
Thanks for saying that; I hope so!
This post. Anyone who wants to see you professionally in the future will appreciate your candor and honesty. And I know sitting with you, they will feel held no matter their spiritual background or preference.
This is so encouraging to hear, Deb. Thank you for sharing it.
It seems to me to be a huge shift in how we approach others and I'm thankful you're recognizing the nuance. I was taught how to have the right answers and how to identify sin in myself and others so we could "fix" each other. As I've taken the journey through multiple counselors, I recognize that the process isn't as much figuring out the sin and hitting people over the head with it ala ACBC, but more walking along people as they process who they are in the midst of pain, abuse and defense mechanisms. I think the church could learn a lot and be on the forefront because it's ultimately a process of making space for the Holy Spirit to speak and direct in the situation, but the Evangelical church would rather pastors and elders fill that gap than the Holy Spirit.
It is sad. For years, I have been trying to figure out how a pastor is even defined in the church, as it isn't a clear office in the early, NT church. And I have seen so much of it wrapped up in authoritarianism and hierarchy. And so, when there are questions or diversity...they go straight to authoritarian approach.
I am 74 and an ex-vangelical. So much of what you wrote resonates with me. It is as if I have returned to the questions of my younger days, save the one about who is Jesus. He has never left me, and even called me to cease all active ministry as a priest. I, too, am having to reflect deeply on where to next and what to write. I offer this thought. I have learned and still am learning to be still and allow my soul to be as a weaned child with its mother. To rest in God’s nurturing embrace, because in that "place" my anxious ego is also quiet and my thoughts cease to define me; they are my thoughts, they are not my true self. This, I think, is for me the beginning of a contemplative spirituality. Perhaps that is where our God us leading you too?
Yes, I resonate with this wisdom. I'm thinking a lot about the difference between the soul and the ego and how they integrate.
Search cac.org where there are many resources. Have you read Merton?
Thank you SO MUCH for being "a therapist who is also a Christian" instead of a "Christian therapist." That is all.
Yeah I’m right there with you
Your post made lead me to think of why we choose the doors that we open. I will be mulling that over.
YES!
I was almost in tears as I 'happened' to read your post this morning. You are putting into words so much of what I am feeling and wrestling with atm. Please keep writing and working this through.
Hi Aimee,
I am just coming across you now. Your name sounds familiar, and I think I have friends who have read your books. However, I somehow missed out!
I don't know where you have been, and I don't know where you are going. Maybe there are others out there, like me, that don't really need to know...we will be content to learn grace as you are able to share it.
Some Gracious Words from My Dad:
For a little context, I'll tell you that I'm Canadian. American politics does impact the Canadian church, but not to the same degree as in the States. We are not quite as political...though it feels like that's changing.
My church, though it's been through hard times for other reasons, has not been overly shaken by politics. I give thanks to God for that every day. I know churches around me that are.
My father and grandfather were seminary professors at a small reformed Baptist school. I attended there too. Many of those dear friendships have been shaken...and that's been pretty grievous. So confusing. However, I have dear American friends who have lost their entire church family, and their actual family due to politics. They are suffering tremendously. I'm humbled by all they have to endure.
My dad was a church history professor. What a blessing! He's been warning me my entire life that the West would one day fall. He suspected it would happen in our lifetime. He taught me about persecution from outside the church, and from within. He prepared me for all of this....though he didn't know what was actually coming. He was not into conspiracy theories, and also warned me about those. He often warned that the North American church could face judgment. He taught me the multitude of problems we have across Evangelicalism. This was in the early 90's! Even now, as he looks at how the 'Evangelical' church is falling apart, he is not dismayed. He tells me that Jesus knows his true bride - all across the world, and he Christ will keep his bride. He tells me to keep my eyes on Christ, no matter what others choose to do. It's all still so hard, all that is happening. My heart feels deep dismay. But wow...how reorienting to have my dad's voice in my head, now, and as I remember all he taught me until now. He's far from perfect, but he did prepare me well for this moment.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that is relevant to you...but his words, and the contemplation of all of church history, are balms to my spirit as we weather some very difficult times.
Christian Counseling and Words of Life; and Words of Death:
There are so many harms that have been done in the Biblical Counseling movement. Much good, but so much harm.
In 2015, I went to the ACBC conference. I talked to one of the speakers. I shared how my friend had been murdered by her husband. I went to seminary with her husband. I had walked closely with her in the days leading up to her death. It was utterly horrific. I couldn't comprehend it, and was drowning in grief. I needed answers. I asked this ACBC speaker - how could a husband and pastor do this to his wife (and his unborn child). He responded by telling me she probably did something to provoke him. After all, it takes two to tango, and in marriage, both members are always to blame. I went away from that ACBC conference, and would never trust anything from them again. That could have been an overreaction...but wow...this speaker really wrecked me. And no, I don't think any of his words were true. I think the man who murdered my friend was deeply disturbed. He had an affair with someone he was counseling, and then he couldn't get 'over' this woman when his affair was exposed. I think divorce was so abhorrent to him, he chose murder instead. This man was like a brother to me, and he killed my friend. And this ACBC speaker said it was my murdered friend's fault. These words still haunt me.
However, my experience at that conference wasn't a total waste. David Powlison was also speaking. He's the real reason we made the effort to attend. I love much of the work at CCEF (though I'm sure they are far from perfect as well). I got in line to speak with him. I told him his work on suffering basically saved my life. Though there was a long line of people waiting to speak with him behind me, he took me aside and spoke with me for half an hour. He grieved with me. He shared his own griefs, and shared how people had failed him. And he told me that God is my firm foundation...never forget it. And I won't. While the words of the other speaker gave me death...David Powlison's words were full of grace and life. He pointed me to truth, gracious and healing truth.
Those who need counseling will need words of grace and life. So no matter what you write, or where you are headed, it's the words of grace and life that your clients will most treasure.
I didn't share any of that to try and 'fix' anything for you...but to grieve with you. These are wild times. Wilder in the church. I often feel quite desperately shaken, and it's not as bad here in Canada. I do look at my commentaries, and wonder which ones I should trust now. I will be praying for you, especially as you seek to find the right balance in all of this unknown. And I pray you will be able to comfort your clients with much grace and life. It's the words of grace and life that kept me.
God bless.
Thanks for sharing this, Lynette. It's such a powerful example of the sacredness of our stories and the weight of our words.
I am new to your writing but I appreciate it. I liked what you said about writing recently: "It just seems like such a hustle to write. And to write about the latest thing." I couldn't agree more. I joined Substack this month and even in the Christian spaces, I feel like I've entered this huge competitive, performative space which doesn't necessarily feel like what I feel called to do or what I want to do with my writing. "Look at me. Look at me." Just doesn't feel good, but at the same time I too, want my writing noticed and to feel affirmed in what I've spent so many hours doing. it's a difficult paradox. In any case, I love that you're bringing your love for Christ into the counseling space, while also respecting the training and methods of the field. I've seen a lot of abuse in Christian counseling in churches coming from untrained pastors and lay people, who with the best intentions hurt those they intend to counsel. My hope is that you will continue just being you and finding your passion to write rather than just to fill a performative space. I think you still have much to say and an audience eager to hear it.
Thank you, Debby. And yes, that is the struggle—putting yourself out there wanting interaction while not getting sucked into the hustle.
👏🏼👏🏼
“And I am not going in the direction of becoming a so-called Christian therapist. I am in the direction of becoming a therapist who is a Christian, but who will bracket that to help each client live according to their values.”
That’s exactly the space I am in, what I do, and I love it.
Please let me know if you ever wanna talk about it. We can do it over the phone. We do not have to meet at your favorite bourbon place.🤣 (unless we told our spouses and you insisted.)
Thank you!
at Aimee, you're not alone. I appreciate what you are saying. As a hospital chaplain, I've realized I'm there to listen, care, and find out what helps people. I don't come with an agenda; that seems very important to both of us. It's often a new experience for those used to "fixers." We both respond when I connect rather than correct. Knowing I care makes a big difference, and I see Jesus doing that every time. Keep up the good work.
I can only imagine your experience as a hospital chaplain, Gordon! Your approach sounds wise and nurturing.
I totally get your dilemma about how you want to show up on Substack, recognizing that you will have to present only a subset of your interests and convictions. You are wise to wrestle through that early. I'm retired and don't have to worry about how I present to clients, but I have different audiences. I write a lifestyle blog that I used to see as my outlet for whatever was on my mind. But when I wrote about anything political, it was combustible -- some readers felt seen and others felt betrayed. Oof. So now I keep my blog to lighter, more general topics and use Substack for the occasional political or cultural post. Time constraints keep my Substack posts to a minimum, but maybe that's alright. Does the world need my take, or does it just make me feel good to stand up for my values? I continue to wrestle.
I do think there's space above the fray for you to speak into our cultural moment. We are all just so stinkin' exhausted with the daily assault of awfulness, and it helps to have someone remind us that virtuous living and long-suffering kindness still matter in this world. Resistance takes many forms. Some may need to scream into the void, but others wield power in steady, faithful, grounded wisdom. I, for one, could use that kind of word from you.
Thank you for adding your thoughts out loud to this struggle, Aileen. It is a lot to wrestle through. I want my clients to feel safe and valued by me. But yes, sometimes sharing my convictions and being open about them is the appropriate action for that.